A Growing Resentment
I am slowly beginning to understand why terminally ill and advanced age people become bitter. I think a major reason is resentment. I find myself always coming back to questions like, “Why me?” On top of the questions is what sometimes seems feels like the monumental effort I have to make to prolong my life.
For Cancer patients there is surgery and its recovery, chemotherapy, and radiation. You must deal with constant discomfort and pain that has no timeline. Visits to various doctors seem to be endless. I have been poked with more needles in the past year than I can count. Often times a needle will stay in my chest for days at a time. Walking distances and stairs becomes an effort. And in my case, a radical diet change that is so different from the Standard American Diet (SAD) that it is difficult to go out to dinner, grab fast food or even shop.
So a person can, and is expected to, “cowboy up” and deal with all of the inconveniences. What is most difficult is watching other people. I have always thought of myself as a live-and-let-live type of person. But lately I can feel myself becoming resentful of other’s easy lifestyle. How is it that they can be 50 pounds plus overweight and still eat hamburgers and desserts? How is it that they will drive around a parking lot to find the closest place when the walk would do them so good? How can people who personally know cancer victims continue to smoke? I realize cigarettes are highly addictive, but they have to try to quit. And a wholesale trust in drugs and doctors is a whole nother topic for later.
There is more but I think you get the point. I understand that people have a right to shorten their lives, but when I am fighting so hard to prolong mine, it is hard to watch them. I guess it is resentment or maybe envy. Not long after my post on Attitude, as a result of my trials, I have come to better understand the bitter people in this world and have less understanding for others.
Doug on 06.24.06 @ 10:24 AM PST [link]