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10/07/2007: "Independence"
I have never been surrounded by so much love and have felt so alone.
I just spent all of Friday with Jeanette and Nick in Monterey at the aquarium and various wharf locations. What a great day with two of the three people I love the most. Then yesterday was a full day at the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival listening to great live music and hanging out with my best friends.
I know people want to do for me whatever they can. Many aren’t sure what they can do, and I am not really sure either. Maybe that will become apparent as time passes. I had a realization over the past couple of days that I am most likely dying of this disease, and I am discovering that death and dying is a lonely thing. In the end you are alone with the act. There also important decisions to make that are really your own. If my lungs keep going south, will I die of suffocation? Does that mean I lay in a bed heavily sedated with morphine and an oxygen mask strapped to my face? I am not sure I want my son and daughter to see and remember me that way. It seems, more and more, how I am remembered is important to me.
I also don’t think I want to die at home. I would hate to have Jeanette and the kids be reminded of my death or my final days whenever they look at the bed or bedroom. In the end, I would prefer to be thought of as a guardian angel on the shoulder than a ghost in the house.
Replies: 10 Comments
on Monday, October 22nd, Mac said
I can tell you from my experience with my father who died of cancer in his home. His sons were with him and he had no choice but to completely let go of all control. All his support and care was eventually provided to him from his family around him as he eventually lost all independence of action but not thought. I don't pretend to understand what you are going though in making these tough decisions but want you to know that the memory of my father is is as positive as when I was 10 years old trying to wrestle him to the ground and knowing he was being gentle with me while pretending to go down from my assault....a game we often played.
Maybe this is a question where another support group would be helpful.
on Friday, October 19th, Cindy said
Hey Doug,
Thank you for always sharing your thoughts and feelings with us, opening a small window to your world, mind, heart and soul. It's your honesty and candor that reaches deep inside me. You are so loved. And I feel so lost at wanting to make it right. Praying and thinking of you always.
on Friday, October 19th, Brad Gothberg said
Doug,
Your are an inpiration to me and a role model on how to live my life better and be blessed with what I have. I am always here to help out Jeanette, you and your kids. I agree with your thoughts in your writtings above. I am thinking about you every day.
on Tuesday, October 16th, Henry Freiburg said
Hi Doug,
Reading of your trips in the Bay Area reminds me of "home". As always, you inspire me to live life to its' fullest and never to take it for granted... THANK YOU for this.
Cheers -Henry & Family (Sydney)
on Friday, October 12th, Mischa said
Doug, you are definitely an angel...and you are definitely on a hard path brother. I am with you in spirit and know that that often has to be enough. thanks for spending time with us last week. we all love you.
on Wednesday, October 10th, Donna and Ed Westerman said
Doug,
Ed and I check in and think of you often. You and your family are always in our prayers. I just helped my sister through a double mastectomy. I can offer her many good words of advice from your blog. Thank you for your inspiring entries. Keep up the faith!
on Tuesday, October 9th, Tracy Levie said
Doug,
We are thinking and praying for you as always. Your blog has been so hard to read lately. We want so for you to be blessed with miraculous news for both you and your loved ones. You are truly an amazing person and we feel for you and your family everyday. We also have shed many tears along with so many others who wish you well and as they do we wish we could do something to ease your pain and fears. You are an inspiration to all.Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings. You have given us all so much to contemplate and ponder. You are a true gift to humanity. We love you.........
Tracy, Patti, and Billy
on Tuesday, October 9th, Arron Chambers said
Doug,
You are an inspiring person. I love reading your blog. You're a good writer.
We don't know each other, but I feel a bond with you. I'm a triathlete, a husband, and a father, too.
I'm praying for your healing Doug.
Be blessed!
on Tuesday, October 9th, chris said
Doug,
Your blog is always so touching and thoughtful. Thinking and praying for you and your family from the East Coast.
on Sunday, October 7th, Mia said
I have a lump in my throat. You're right about the fact that many wish they could do something but don't know what that something is. You always have Jeanette and the kids in mind which is so sweet. I hope you can make some decisions based on your comfort as well.
Here's to that ray of hope.
