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07/29/2007: "Out of Control"

I’ve decided that it’s about loss of control. I have always felt in control of my life, control of my situation, and in control of my choices. It’s probably why I am not drawn to certain drugs. I don’t like to lose control. But with cancer, it’s all about a loss of control. You really have no idea how long you have to live or what the quality of that life will be like. Doctors make decisions for you. The drugs you have to take make you sick. And you have to rely on people to help you do some of the simplest things. It’s truly a tentative way of life. And it certainly gives meaning and weight to the idea that we should, “live in the moment.”

I need to give Jeanette a lot of credit. I can’t begin to imagine what she is going through. She has been so incredible handling all of this. Not only has she had to nurse me back to health, but also she has had to pick up all of my slack. And she isn’t allowed to complain. How can she be allowed to feel bad about her situation when she looks at mine every day? But I think hers may be worse. Sure I would love to live to be a ripe old age, but Jeanette faces losing her husband, raising the kids alone and handling the household by herself. And there is no timeline, she is supposed to just wait and watch it all happen. Talk about out of control. You try to bury yourself in your daily business and then once in awhile it hits you like a ton of bricks and the emotions are too much.

So as I start to feel better, I am glad to be gaining some health and independence again. Hopefully I can ease some of the household and family burdens and we can become more of a team instead of invalid and caretaker. And maybe I can begin to take back some control of my life for as long as is possible.

Replies: 6 Comments

on Thursday, August 2nd, Linda U said

Jeanette is a keeper that's for sure!

on Tuesday, July 31st, Kevin said

Love is the ultimate loss of control and for that love, you do what has to be done. I am sure Jeanette knows and feels this, as do you. I believe you both, in your own way, share the joys and the pains of what has happened through this love you have with absolutely no control over it. That's true love! You both are amazing! Back to the Batcave...

on Tuesday, July 31st, Sarah and Addison said

..."living in the moment"...I believe is key, no matter what the situation, you are living and your soul is growing. I think control is not necessarily something that any of us should feel a need for...I see control as how we handle the fear of the unknown, somehow I think it is one man's downfalls. On a broader aspect, I think life is about how we handle situations at hand and not about trying to handle future situations we some how predict...then we're not living in the moment. You and Jeanette are facing something I can't begin to imagine is easily handled, but you have been and from an outside view I think you're doing pretty darn well. You both live well together and that's all you can do until it changes...no one can say when this time is , but more importantly, if ever such a day will come...! Just think of how Addi lives life, all he knows now is each moment, even more excited for what's around the corner... that's absolute life to me...when we can just be!
We love you guys we'll see you real soon. XXXOOO

on Monday, July 30th, Linda said

We do have control - believing it is the Secret. You and Jeanette are a team - teams have control. That's what makes you guys special!! Love you

on Monday, July 30th, Dawn Shaw said

Man, I love you guys! You are both so beautiful!

on Monday, July 30th, Kelly Owens said

I've never met your wife, but she definitely ranks at the top when it comes to women I adore.