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06/17/2007: "The down side of the roller coaster ride"

Jeanette here,

I write this with a pit in my stomach - the one I knew would come eventually.

Rock / Doug was admitted to the hospital, early this morning - the first possibility was pneumonia, which he wrote about in his earlier blog. Subsequently a Doctor of Internal Medicine came to visit with the abysmal news that they would treat pneumonia, however he was more convinced that this hospital stay is from cancer tumors (with a disclaimer that he is not a cancer doctor). Strangely enough I heard nearly the same words from our vet when I took my golden retriever in - is there in fact some symbiotic bond between a man and his dog? Not too comforting as Chewie passed away shortly afterward, we believe from tumors that are common in older golden retrievers. Two months later, our hearts still think daily about this big lummox who brought so much joy into our lives. If it's this heartbreaking with the family dog, how can one even think about surviving the loss of a soul mate? How can his mother and father deal with losing a son? Will his brothers think about when they sang "Rock-a-bye baby", leading to a lifelong nickname? These questions are abruptly facing us tonight - not for the first time, but with a reality that says that the Cancer Wolf is at our door.

His breathing is very short - he likens it to breathing into a small balloon. Talking causes coughing fits, and on top of it all, he's dealing with pain from the surgery. There is an air in the room as if the nurses are just making him comfortable - no talk of getting better and leaving, just a sort of resignation that they will get him whatever he wants to ease the pain. The nurses at the desk see me and look down - with the exception of one, who put her hand on mine and told me that she was an oncology nurse for years, and if I need help with anything, she is here. They are trying to get our original oncologist in, who is affiliated with the hospital (our current one may not be - we'll find out tomorrow). The worst of it all though, is that Rock seems to have lost hope - he took Nick up on his bed with him tonight and did what he could to say a goodbye without upsetting him too much. So the most difficult question of all is, how do you comfort your 12 year old son who knows he has the best dad in the world? How can we even know if our daughter with autism will understand why dad isn't here anymore?

Please join me in praying that what I am writing here is just drama, or an over active imagination.

Replies: 16 Comments

on Monday, June 18th, Deb and Eric Miller said

Jeanette and Doug,
We are praying for you both and for Nick and Alex. We are carrying you all in our hearts.

on Monday, June 18th, Kathy & Chris Bybee said

Jeannette & Doug,
You are in our thoughts and prayers. We are holding positive thoughts and praying for the hospital doctors to bring Doug to a strong recovery. We are here for you in anything you need!
Love, Chris and Kathy Bybee

on Monday, June 18th, Jim & Margie Powell said

Dearest Rock & Jeanette,
Our thoughts are with you every day - we pray that Rock will get through this as he has everything else. He is our family and part of our lives - and you, Jeanette have a special place in our hearts. Love to both of you.

on Monday, June 18th, Dani and Jason said

Jeannette and Doug, our love is with you. We hold you close, even as we are far away in NYC. We cannot tell you how wonderful it was to be with both of you at Dave's party, and to see in both of you such love and awareness of each other, and witness the power of your love for each other. You are both beautiful and strong, and your children are fortunate to have parents for whom life is a precious gift, for whom those kids are a precious gift. We are praying for you, loving you, wanting for you whatever you want. We hold here, hold fast, and hold tight. Our love, dani and jason

on Monday, June 18th, Chris and Julie Olson said

Jeanette,

We are praying for Rock. Please let us know if you need help with anything.

Julie and Chris

on Monday, June 18th, Tonja & Family said

Jeanette: We are holding you and Rock, Alex & Nick in our prayers and sending you our love and light.

on Monday, June 18th, Jay and Molly said

We love you.

on Monday, June 18th, pam said

Dear Jeanette,
I met your wonderful husband during his chemo session, as I was just finishing my chemo treatment, doug was just starting his. Praying for his recovering, Love and Hugs to you and the kids.

on Monday, June 18th, Ginnie Herleman said

Jeanette and Doug
All of us in Hanford send our love! Our thoughts and prayers are with you, your children and your extended family. We love you Rock!

on Monday, June 18th, Woody and Ingrid said

Dave and Mary were here when we got the latest news.
The four of us are holding all of you close during this most trying of times.
With love, Ingrid and Woody

on Monday, June 18th, Laura Griffin said

Jeanette,

I work with Doug at the CCCOE and wanted you and
Doug to know that I am praying for him with all my heart and also for you and the kids.... Doug was such a support for me when my husband was so sick, something I will never forget. Please know that I am thinking and praying for you also... I can only imagine how hard it is for you right now.... I know we haven't met but if for any reason you need someone to talk to or anything at all... Please let me know...
I will be praying for you both all day.

Laura

on Monday, June 18th, Mia said

Doug & Jeannette,

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Much love.

on Monday, June 18th, Kevin & Marie O said

We remain holding positive thoughts, prayers and lots of love for Doug.

on Monday, June 18th, Mac and Suzanne said

We are praying for Doug and holding all of you in our hearts.

on Monday, June 18th, Dianne said

Jeannette,
Please share this with Doug. I am praying for Doug, for you and your children, and for wisdom for his medical team. So many people around the world hold you all in their thoughts and prayers - I hope you can feel the love like a warm hug wrapping around you.

Dianne

on Monday, June 18th, Mischa said

Jeanette, I wish we lived around the corner and I could hug you and be with you, even for a few minutes between the chores. Please know how much I love you all and am holding you in my heart. Your writing and the poem Shannon sent cut right through to the pain I am feeling. Is it enough to know that Doug is so deeply loved and gives of his love so deeply as well? I guess it may have to do for now. I am definitley praying...