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05/21/2007: "Holding on to a Flame of Hope in a Rain Storm"

I have had my days when the doom weighs very heavy. I know that I will die of this cancer at some point. How soon, is a question that torments me on a regular basis. Do I hold every minute as precious for there are so few? Or can I let a few slip away as they used to, as just passing time in my busy day? Can I figure a way to use the time to be a better father, husband or friend so that my eventual memory will carry more meaning and strength?

I don’t know how to answer these questions. I seem to prefer to fill my days as before with tasks of busy work, play and responsibility. A sort of denial that it may all be gone soon. This seems to work for me until my hidden flame of hope gets a dousing of reality. Maybe a pain that hits me like never before, lost strength and endurance that will hardly let me climb stairs, or scan results that show tumor growth.

Its like living two different lives. One that is a face of normalcy that people can see as I drive down the street or talk to them at a party. This is the one I hide behind to convince myself that this cannot be happening to me. Then there is the other life that comes to me at all hours of the night or when my doctor tells me that treatment is not working. That is a depression that is hard to explain and one I cannot sit with for long. But it haunts me deeply and regularly.

So I take on little projects that require months to complete. Certainly I can’t leave those unfinished. The deck is still not done and I think it has been three years now. I just built a guitar that I worked on for months and am considering my next one. Plans are being finished for a house remodel. And I am working on a novelette that needs much more attention if is to be completed.

In the end, it is all about Jeanette and the kids. I know they need me dearly and as hard as everyone tries to convince me otherwise, I can’t help but feel a deep sense of guilt for leaving my life with them unfinished. There will be future hardships because I am gone and that stabs at my core. So I hang on to my little flame and I fight to be here as long as possible.

Replies: 6 Comments

on Wednesday, May 23rd, tracy Levie(Wedemyer) said

Dear Doug,
I've heard the recent news from my
my mom and I'm deeply sadened and distraught. I want to say something that will make you feel better and hopeful but the words are just not powerful enough to overcome your understandable anger and fear. I can imagine that your thoughts of the time and quality of love for your family are weighing heavily on your mind! I'm not sure there is a resolve when it comes to this dilema. But I choose to believe that the memories we create are the essence of our lives. I'm sure your wife and children could not love you more and you will live within their minds forever!!!( nothing can take away our memories) You are a brave and courageous man. Your strength and positive nature I'm sure have made your family proud. You have demonstrated amazing strength and bravery to your son which he will carry with him always. I wish this was not happening but you have helped and touched so many through this experience. I would really like to see you sometime in June if that is possible? Please let me know. I am thinking and praying for you and your family.
Love your friend Tracy

on Wednesday, May 23rd, Mia said

I read your post Monday and couldn't even respond. I think sometimes there are just no words but being a stubborn Prouty I will try anyway.

Jeanette, Nick and Alex know that you would never leave them if you had a choice. You have fought so hard from day one to stay and they have seen that better than anyone. When I drop Carly off at school and she cries because she doesn't want me to leave I always tell her that I will never leave her because I am always in her heart. Your family will always have you no matter the physical seperation because you are a part of them. I realize that that is in no way good enough but I want you to know that everything you have done to nurture Nick through this will stay with him. You have taken the time to write him letters and take him on trips alone with you and that is what he will hold onto. There will be future hardships but they will get through them because of you and the love you have given them. No cancer can change that.

Much love.

on Tuesday, May 22nd, Mike said

Dear Doug

After reading your latest entry, I have given much thought to what I wanted to say to you. As a person who has survived a serious health threat, I know exactly how you are feeling. I want you to know its OK to be scared, upset, angry, its ok to be mad, sad, depressed, its ok to cry. I admire your honestly to share all these emotions with your family of friends. I admire more that while you are walking in the toughest time of your life, you continue to develop yourself.

I am not one to share my relationship with God with most folks because I dont want to appear "preachy" or telling others how to live. To me that is not what God is about. It was my faith in God that got me through my despair and fears when I was ill. It was my faith in God that got me out of bed each day after being connected to a machine during the night to go to work. It was God who carried me and my family when I couldnt anymore. Doug, I know at this point in your journey and battle, it might seem like God has abandoned you and the last thing you want to hear is that God does have a plan for you and your family (its especially hard to believe everytime you visit the doctor and they keep giving you bad news, I know) but God does have a plan for you and your family. God does love all of you more than you know, he holds you and Jeanette and Nick and Alex in his hands daily. In the end for me, when my creatine was 13 and I really didnt know where else to turn, I finally had to let go and let God lead the way.

My friend, you and your family are in my prayers daily. Please do not give up hope or the challenge of living. If that is the one thing I can share in my struggle and journey, never give up, sometimes when you have setbacks you have to dig deeper into yourself to continue to fight (I know about not having energy to walk up stairs, I had the same problem).

Take care and know you are not alone in your struggle to survive.

Your friend,
Mike

on Tuesday, May 22nd, Linda said

One thing you have to know is that it is not about the length of time but the quality of time. I can say that as a survivor - I cannot tell you how much my memories of the wonderful times that we had have helped me over the years. So when you think about all of this -it is not about you, but about your survivors. And the key word is survivor? They will move on, but how you are now will make that process easier or not. I love you, Linda

on Tuesday, May 22nd, Laura Griffin said

Doug,

You are so amazing... I know you wouldn't know this but you have truly
taught me a valuable lesson. One I've been working on my whole adult life and that is to be strong and face your fears... It has already changed my life.
Even with many books, good advise from family & friends... It was you who displayed courage that I have never seen before. I thank you from the bottom of my heart and take my hat off to the best teacher I've ever had. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Laura

on Tuesday, May 22nd, sando said

the tears are flowing and I thank you for letting us into your true feelings - thinking of you as always!
xoxo