[Previous entry: "Essiac Tea"] [Next entry: "Alta Bates Comprehensive Cancer Center"]

11/08/2006: "Insignificant Other"

Lately, I have been thinking about how hard it is to be married to someone with cancer. At least I feel like I have some control over treating my cancer. I can do the reading, change doctors, and seek treatments all over the world, while Jeanette can only watch. She is very supportive and I depend on her so much. But she must feel helpless most of the time. I have suffered with some pretty severe pain the last few days and all she can do is watch me as I lay in bed shaking. I guess it is a little that way for anyone who is close to me. Do you hold back your emotional connection for fear of suffering more from the loss? Sometimes I think reading this blog is a little like driving by a car wreck, you don’t want to look but you can’t help yourself.

The phrase, “Insignificant Other” comes from the title of a book being written by a man I met in the clinic in Mexico. He is in his 80’s and was a long-time reporter/photographer for the Associated Press. Thirty years ago his wife was close to death from cancer. And as a last resort they managed to get her to a clinic in the Bahamas that saved her life. Not long after her full recovery, she left him with 8 kids to take care of. In the book, he relates the experience of being her caretaker for so many years. He was unable to maintain a social life outside as his time was tied up caring for her and all of the children. During her illness, visitors, mail and phone calls only came in for his wife. He certainly felt insignificant.

One of my best friends shares the phrase, “Someone has to take care of the caretaker.” A couple of years ago, his wife was involved in a car accident that left her in a coma for months and now unable talk or move well enough to care for herself. He has found himself handling everything from her care, to Medicare, to their family run business and the household. Add all that work to the emotional strain of losing your loved one and it all gets compounded.

So I not only fight to save my life for myself, but to stay longer on this earth as a husband, father, son, uncle, cousin and friend. And a big thank you to my significant other for all that she does to take care of me.

Replies: 2 Comments

on Thursday, November 9th, Mike said

Sorry Doug...I dont see a car wreck..I see a man living life to the fullest touching lives all over the world. I know from experience there are days when it seems hopeless, those are the days you have to let go and let God. I remember the nights I couldnt fall asleep because of the chemical imbalance in my body from being on dialysis and I would have to pace the hall back and forth until my body was exhausted or when my legs would twitch uncontrollably from the same problem and it was hard to walk. Dont give in to the pain...try to look beyond to the hope of a new life. Thank you for being so open with your struggles. I wish I could do more.

on Wednesday, November 8th, col said

I hope you will fight to stay a cherished brother as well. This fight is hard, I can only imagine, but well worth the possible outcome....you alive... And sometimes when you are tired of the fight, rest for a short while and remember that in our own way through love, hope, prayer and whatever else we may have the ability to do; we are all fighting for you too.