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10/13/2006: "Emotions of Disappointment and Frustration"
There were other emotions that Jeanette and I were feeling when we read the analysis of this last PET scan, but disappointment and frustration were the strongest. Well, I guess you can throw in fear and sadness also. We really believed that I have been doing the right things to help my body win this battle. I really thought this would be good news.
Frustration came because of the effort I have put in. There is the voracious reading of health books and web sites and thus the constant effort to correct my diet and add the right supplements. There were the weeks in Mexico trying alternative treatments. The daily exercise to get my body to a point where it can compete in endurance events that few of my healthy friends would take on. And how about the two weeks of radiation? Not only did it not slow the cancer, it has gotten much worse.
And the emotions of disappointment washed over us because increasingly, the future looks scary. Jeanette is smart, strong and independent (I find that so attractive!) and I know she can flourish without me. (Though we are more in love than ever and need each other deeply.) But our children need more than one parent. They probably need more than two. Alex is difficult to care for by yourself on a weekend let alone a lifetime. And Nick is a 12-year-old boy, building his self esteem, self image and opinions of the world.
Last night Nick asked me, “Why?” “Why did you get cancer and why is it getting worse?” I have a technical/cellular answer for him but it doesn’t hold a lot of water when he starts asking about other people and why their bodies haven’t developed cancer. And, “Why?” was the first question I had for all of the doctors involved from the start. None of these experts could give me an answer.
So what does the scan analysis say that is so heartbreaking? The doctor’s concluding impression reads like this: “Progressive disease. Increased metastatic disease is clearly shown to lungs and to retroperitoneum as well as a left thoracic inlet lymph node. The solitary C7 skeletal metastasis shows increased metabolic activity and extent, either representing progressive disease or a flare phenomenon post-radiation.” The rest of report contains the gory details.
I have an appointment with my Oncologist on Monday. He will point out that this is because I stopped chemo and reiterate the need to go back on. Because that is his expertise and all that is available here in the US. And I am left to question my choices: past, present and future.
Please, tell someone you love them.
Replies: 15 Comments
on Thursday, October 19th, LindaU said
Mark and I are saddened over the latest. I hadn't read your blog in a bit because I just felt in my heart that all had to be getting better. Something just pushed me to read it today. Know that love and prayers continue to come your way as well as for Jeanette, Nick and Alex.
on Saturday, October 14th, Mia said
Oh Rock I am so sorry. I truly thought things would look more positive. Especially with all the physical activity. You ran a half marathon and did so well. How can you not be healthy. It doesn't make sense to me.
I know that you have been an inspiration to so many and I know people all over are eating better and taking better care of themselves because of you.
I love you.
on Saturday, October 14th, Janet said
Doug: I am filled with so many emotions this morning. I am so profoundly and deeply moved by the love that surrounds you. We all love you and are keeping hope in our hearts for you.
on Friday, October 13th, michelle said
Doug,
We love you!
on Friday, October 13th, Linda said
Hope is something we never give up on - I'm praying for you and the hope you deserve.
on Friday, October 13th, Big Bro said
Please believe in miracles. We are all weak and get our strength and courage from you. I am hours away but I'm with you in spirit. I love you
on Friday, October 13th, Kevin said
Doug, I love you Bro!
on Friday, October 13th, Bonnie said
My hopes and prayers continue ... for you and your dear family. Even in despair, you continue to teach us. Yes, we must cherish each day.
on Friday, October 13th, Col said
Oh Rock……….my heart is just crushed with this news. I am so sorry it was not good news. We all hoped, prayed and truly expected better news. I love you…..J,N, and A too. I know that in a few days or maybe a week you’ll have some positive thoughts on where you go from here. Maybe you have just positioned your body perfectly for some treatment in Germany?....who knows….but for now know you are loved, know we are here for you and keep hope…..always keep hope.
on Friday, October 13th, sando said
this is not what I wanted to hear today... you have made me so appreciate what I have and who I have in my life and for that I thank you
love, love, love...
on Friday, October 13th, Ellen said
I really believed we were going to get good news from now on. Luv u.
on Friday, October 13th, little bro said
We are here for you when you need us. WE ALL LOVE YOU!
on Friday, October 13th, eileen said
Doug -
In doing what you asked, I realized that "love" seems to be too small a word. For only 4 little letters to be strong enough to express how deeply one feels about a person who has impacted, shaped and molded so many others seems to be too great a task...but when I search my heart for other words to express how I know myself and soooo many others feel about you and your family, the only word that comes to mind is love. Know that you are surrounded and supported by the love of your friends, colleagues and family. We love you.
on Friday, October 13th, Cindy said
You are so loved and by so many.
on Friday, October 13th, Mac said
I love you.
