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06/24/2006: "A Growing Resentment"

I am slowly beginning to understand why terminally ill and advanced age people become bitter. I think a major reason is resentment. I find myself always coming back to questions like, “Why me?” On top of the questions is what sometimes seems feels like the monumental effort I have to make to prolong my life.

For Cancer patients there is surgery and its recovery, chemotherapy, and radiation. You must deal with constant discomfort and pain that has no timeline. Visits to various doctors seem to be endless. I have been poked with more needles in the past year than I can count. Often times a needle will stay in my chest for days at a time. Walking distances and stairs becomes an effort. And in my case, a radical diet change that is so different from the Standard American Diet (SAD) that it is difficult to go out to dinner, grab fast food or even shop.

So a person can, and is expected to, “cowboy up” and deal with all of the inconveniences. What is most difficult is watching other people. I have always thought of myself as a live-and-let-live type of person. But lately I can feel myself becoming resentful of other’s easy lifestyle. How is it that they can be 50 pounds plus overweight and still eat hamburgers and desserts? How is it that they will drive around a parking lot to find the closest place when the walk would do them so good? How can people who personally know cancer victims continue to smoke? I realize cigarettes are highly addictive, but they have to try to quit. And a wholesale trust in drugs and doctors is a whole nother topic for later.

There is more but I think you get the point. I understand that people have a right to shorten their lives, but when I am fighting so hard to prolong mine, it is hard to watch them. I guess it is resentment or maybe envy. Not long after my post on Attitude, as a result of my trials, I have come to better understand the bitter people in this world and have less understanding for others.

Replies: 8 Comments

on Wednesday, June 28th, Mike Herbst said

Hi Doug

I know exactly where you are coming from. At some point you feel your body has betrayed you and its hard to understand. I felt the same things you did about other people when I faced my kidney illness. I didnt find any answers to the questions you raised either about how people abuse their bodies with bad diets, smoking etc. I do know its OK to feel what you are feeling, and its OK to be angry and to cry and to yell out why me, what did I do to deserve this (nothing of course). I continue to pray and support you in your fight for health. Never give up that is the best advice I can give you. What finally gave me some peace (because at times I still ask the same questions you did in this blog and have no answers) somewhere I read or heard, we are all spiritual beings on a human journey. The best thing as you are donig is being honest with yourself and how you truly feel. I do hope you are searching out others who are in a similar position as you, fighting for their health. If I could do one thing different when I was on dialysis for a year, it would have been to find a support group of people who were going through the same things I was. There is comfort and strength in knowing you are not alone, you are never alone Doug, God has your back.

Your friend,
Mike

on Monday, June 26th, Lisa Grundhoffer said

Hi Doug,
I can relate a bit to what you are saying. When my father was ill, I remember listening to the radio or reading the news about the many evil people that exist in this world and realizing that they are going to live a longer life than my incredible dad. And just how in the world does that work? I cried so many mornings on my way to work that I finally had to take a LONG break from the radio news!! I started reading books by the Dalai Lama and began to feel better. My favorite is called "The Art of Happiness". There is a chapter in this book on "finding meaning in pain and suffering". I have kept this book by my bedside for the past 5years and re-read parts of it often.
No matter what anyone says, I agree that it's still unfair. But I do want to say thank you for the enlightenment that you are providing to so many people!

on Monday, June 26th, Beena said

I want you to know that you have changed my life. With that you have changed my childrens lives. With your unfortunate struggles you have set a example for me to live by. Which will do nothing but benfit my children because of my better health and the example I am setting for them. Even though I know that I can cheat on my diet and not worry about the outcome of it, but everytime I even think about cheating, having that one hot dog or eating red meat when it isn't good for me to, I think of you and everything that you have had to give up. This makes my craving seem trival and I resist.
For those people close to you, that you are talking about it takes their own tragey to make them wake up. Be patient with the ones you love Rock, it may take small steps for them to listen but they will come around.
You are putting up with more then anyone should have to handle and here you are not just helping yourself but helping everyone around you.You have earned the right to be bitter! Just don't let it take a hold of you.
At times the best thing you can do is look to God and your family. God is always with you, he is hurting with you. What I believe you now are understanding, after all your research that this was never God's plan for you but He is going to help you overcome this and lay out a new plan for you. I know that this illiness has everything to do with the fall of man and what man has done to the Earth's enviroment(damn Eve!)People can argue all day long about this, but your research that you have done, has done nothing but prove it to be right. Our enviroment around us falling apart. This coming from the the conservative member of your family!
Then your family, no matter how bitter you get over this, we will always be here for you to vent out your frustrations. We love you and always will let you lean on us any time night or day. I pray for you and love you.

on Monday, June 26th, Beena said

I want you to know that you have changed my life. With that you have changed my childrens lives. With your unfortunate struggles you have set a example for me to live by. Which will do nothing but benfit my children because of my better health and the example I am setting for them. Even though I know that I can cheat on my diet and not worry about the outcome of it, but everytime I even think about cheating, having that one hot dog or eating red meat when it isn't good for me to, I think of you and everything that you have had to give up. This makes my craving seem trival and I resist.
For those people close to you, that you are talking about it takes their own tragey to make them wake up. Be patient with the ones you love Rock, it may take small steps for them to listen but they will come around.
You are putting up with more then anyone should have to handle and here you are not just helping yourself but helping everyone around you.You have earned the right to be bitter! Just don't let it take a hold of you.
At times the best thing you can do is look to God and your family. God is always with you, he is hurting with you. What I believe you now are understanding, after all your research that this was never God's plan for you but He is going to help you overcome this and lay out a new plan for you. I know that this illiness has everything to do with the fall of man and what man has done to the Earth's enviroment(damn Eve!)People can argue all day long about this, but your research that you have done, has done nothing but prove it to be right. Our enviroment around us falling apart. This coming from the the conservative member of your family!
Then your family, no matter how bitter you get over this, we will always be here for you to vent out your frustrations. We love you and always will let you lean on us any time night or day. I pray for you and love you.

on Monday, June 26th, Cindy said

Hey you. Your entry has really hit me. I often hear people respond to others' illness and death with 'she didn't deserve that'. Well, no one ever deserves illness, death and especially cancer. I could never guess to know what you and jeanette and the rest of your family are going through. But I have a resentment too, knowing you are sick and fighting for your life, and quite admirably I might add. It's hard to see what you are going through. And it's hard for me to watch my friends light up so I can only imagine how it makes you feel when you are fighting for your own life. I truly hate that you are sick Doug. You are such a wonderful life-loving person. Keep up the fight. And don't let the resentment get to you. Leave that energy behind you and focus on the good. You've done well so far.

on Monday, June 26th, LindaU said

Doug,
Mark and I continue to pray for you and your family. Not a week goes by that I don't think of all the laughter, fun and education you've provided - God has a plan but more times than not, I wonder the "why" of certain things in life. From seeing my Dad not know my name any longer due to Alzheimers to your god-aweful disease; I stop and question God all the time. Guess I have trouble figuring out his answers. LindaU

on Monday, June 26th, Michelle said

There's no such thing as a good death. However, there is much to be said for a life well lived, a life like yours with meaning and purpose.

Reading your Blog, it seems clear that you have been a teacher even before you entered into education as a career. More important than any information you relate in a classroom (though I must relay my profound appreciation for your classes) is the sharing of yourself - how to live, and live well.

In reality, we all have a terminal illness... birth. We're all going to leave the party at some point, and it's not fair that some have to leave earlier than others. As children, even Sundays seem incredibly long. As adults, we realize that time passes so quickly. Someone likened it to a roll of toilet paper - the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes. And that's really the big lesson here. Our time is short and should not be wasted. Don't be stingy with love, appreciations, acknowledgments, or actions, don't leave them for another day. Being here today is no guarantee that you'll be here tomorrow. Don't procrastinate - live, be happy, and don't waste a moment of it.

Understandably, it's easier being the student than the teacher, but life shouldn't be an easy, passive process. It's not fair, but you don't need to "cowboy up". You have friends and family that are here for you - lean on us.

on Saturday, June 24th, Janet said

Hi Doug: I read your comments this afternoon and reflected on life's personal journey's. I remember when my daughter was so desparately wanting to have a child and she was having such a difficult time. Lots of false starts, lots of tears and hopelessness. I went through periods of strong resentment of mothers and fathers who had children, neglected them and ended up with interventions from Child Protetive Services. My daughter and her husband now has two darling children. The negative energy I felt has gone and has been replaced with compassion. Human nature is so very interesting. Your thoughts to all of us are very humbling (sp?). Janet