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04/21/2006: "Letters to Nick"

I just finished writing a series of eight letters to my son. When I was pronounced terminal, a nurse suggested that I write a letter for each of his birthdays until he turns 18. I thought about this for a while and talked it over with a few friends. Could there be anything harder? What do you say to your son that will help after you are gone?

Instead of the birthday letters, I thought it would be stronger to write a letter for different things/events in his life. One for tough times, one for high times, one on how proud I am of him, one on dealing with his loss, one on helping his mom and sister, one about the special things and times we had together, etc. I cried hard through every letter. Just the thought of him reading these after he has lost me was almost too much to bear. Still, I know they were an important thing to leave him, and I am glad they are done and sealed. Now I can get on to thoughts of living.

I debated writing these letters as it felt like, by doing so, I was giving in to an early death. I have rarely let those thoughts cross my mind and have worked hard to remove them if they have. As if I can beat this disease by sheer will.

The letters did teach me that I don’t tell Nick nearly enough that I love him, I am proud of him and he is so very special to me.

Replies: 16 Comments

on Friday, May 5th, Suzanne Mitchell said

I'm sitting at a SMCOE meeting and Linda U gave me the headsup on this blog. I couldn't be more thrilled to see your progress and "hear" your voice!! This is great being able to connect with you...you are obviously in all our thoughts but this makes an incredible connection

I lost a close friend in a similar situation and to this day his kids will show the letters Dave wrote off like it was a trophy. And it is, a trophy of life. I love that it prompts them to ask all kinds of questions about Dave....they learn more about their dad, I relive Dave's life, and its wonderful. You are leaving breadcrumbs of life. Great efforts that may be hard, but are truly truly amazing.

on Monday, May 1st, Gail Midyett said

Doug, you are amazing. I've always thought you were an exceptional person and now I can see how strong you are also. Your letters to Nick prove that. I'll pray for you and your family. You keep fighting!

on Monday, May 1st, Patty said

Dearest Doug, You are truly an inspiration to all of us. I say my prayers each and everyday that the good Lord will give you all the strength you need to win this battle. You are an exceptional father and even more an exceptional friend. I wish you Faith, Hope & Love Patty

on Thursday, April 27th, Cindy said

Doug, as awkward as this sounds, I look forward to reading your words of wisdom & inspiration and your honesty sharing your life with everyone, and there are obviously a lot of us who care about you and your family. You are a remarkable person. As for your letters, Nick and Alex are so fortunate to have you as a father. I pray Mexico is just what you need to help you through. (And leave it to you to find a kiosk in the hospital--I had to laugh.) Continue taking wonderful care of yourself and come back with a tan
Love Cindy

on Wednesday, April 26th, Aunt Beena said

Uncle Rock, Its hard to believe but I have known you more than half my life now. Ever since I met you when Easton was a baby you have shown what a Dad is suppose to be like. When most men just look at babies, you instantly grabed him and started singing rubber ducky to him. At that moment I knew my sister would never let you go! I have a picture of you and Allie playing on the beach in Mexico totally unaware of everyone else, it's in a frame on my table. I've had there for a few years now. This picture respents to me what a perfect father is. You have always even before all of this shown your children how much you love them. I have never seen such devotion in a father. Your children will never wonder if you were proud of them. Even Sierra knows how much you love her! What they will remember instead is that their father is the best Dad that anyone could of asked for. There are a lot of "weekend" dads out there (you know the ones that are to busy or stressed out during the week to notice there kids)you are a true 24/7 dad. You need to rest easy knowing that you have always shown them your time and love every single day! Now get better so you can come back home...We miss you and we love you. I continue to pray for you every day. Love Aunt Beena

on Tuesday, April 25th, Mia said

I think the letters to Nick are so important. Just so he knows you thought ahead and gave him such loving messages. The thought of Jacob and Carly going through life's milestones without me is one of my greatest fears but the truth is one never knows what life will bring. I've thought of writing them letters just in case. I hope all is going well in Mexico. Much love and healthy thoughts.

on Monday, April 24th, shannon said

oops! forgot the link:
http://www.asklenore.info/breastfeeding/health/benefits.html

i first saw it in the san jose mercury news, so i think its fairly reputable.

on Monday, April 24th, shannon said

hey doug-
i hope things are going well in mexico! i am so happy you wrote those letters to your son, all parents should do that. what a great way to really understand what it is that you want to say to your kids, no matter when or how you say it.
on another note, there's controversy about toxins stored in breast milk, but if you're looking for calories, check out this information about cancer patients using human breast milk "...Adults with cancer, digestive disorders and immune disorders may drink several ounces of milk daily or weekly to ease the ravages of chemotherapy, bolster their immune systems and improve their digestion..."
you are in my thoughts.
take care,
shannon

on Monday, April 24th, Doug said

I am at a kiosk at the hospital in Mexico. I am guessing that the machine blocks acces to CGI scripts which I need to put entries in this Blog. I may have to send to someone for them to post. Stay tuned - all is well. - Doug

on Monday, April 24th, Marguerite said

Doug so GREAT to hear your voice and know that you made it down to Mexico safely. Even better to hear that you were greeted by a wonderful driver with many healing stories to validate the power of miracles. I'll be thinking of you during the next few weeks and reminding you of the gold. And I'll be looking forward to your healthy return knowing that you and Nick will be able to share your wonderful letters for decades to come.

Hugs,
m.

on Monday, April 24th, Gail Lovely said

Doug, your leadership and strength are motivating to so many.

Every day we live is a gift and your letters to your son are invaluable. None of us know how many days, hours, months or years we have on this earth and thinking about those we love while we are here is powerful love. It is a tough task, but one which signals an incredible love which allows you to face that hard work of leaving in a concrete and permanent way your love to someone else.

While I am not knowingly fighting a life battle right now, I have written letters to loved ones "just in case". Perhaps your story here will encourage others to follow your lead and let the ones they love know just how much they are loved!

Doug, you are an inspiration.

May your journey to Mexico bring you good results. You and your family and friends will continue to be in my prayers and my thoughts.

with incredible respect,
Gail

on Monday, April 24th, Easton said

Uncle Rock, my mom gave me this web site so i could get updates on how your doin. Hang in there, and i'll continue to pray for you. Oh, and Susan sends hugs and kisses.
Love ya, Easton

on Monday, April 24th, Dave said

Doug, I know today is the day you head to Mexico to see what the clinic can do for you. You are in our thoughts and prayers constantly. Your focus and fighting courage are marvelous. I wish Mary and I could be there to help in whatever way we can. Having Jeanette here for the weekend was great, giving us a chance to feel somewhat more connected to what is going on even though we still feel as helpless as ever in this thing. Our hopes are now with Mexico and your positive approach to life, living and everyone around you.
Dave

on Sunday, April 23rd, Laura Griffin said

Doug,
Words could not capture what I felt when I read your posting....All I can say is Nick is a very lucky boy to have a dad like you...Those letters are going to mean the world to him no matter when he reads them... He will keep them for a life time... I know because may dad did the same for me... and they've helped me through the most difficult times..
I will be thinking and praying for you on you journey to Mexico.

God will help you.... Keep us posted.

Laura

on Sunday, April 23rd, Launi said

Thinking of you and your family as you journey to Mexico tomorrow! Peace be with you...Love, Launi

on Sunday, April 23rd, Nicki Swenson said

Doug, what you have done and continue to do demonstrates a level of courage most of us will never know or even begin to understand. Your son will appreciate and value those letters even if you pass on as an old man. Just writing them sounds like both an emotional focus as well as an emotional release. My heart and my hopes are with you on this journey (and on the one to Mexico!). Thanks so much for sharing your experience - it helps me stay close, even from afar. With much affection, Nicki